Monday, May 28, 2012
at 5:32 PM;
This is everything I have.
The happy thoughts, bitter words, good nights and good mornings, not because I think they are sweet but because I want to share my waking and dreaming moments with you. Not because I know everything about you but because I want to know everything about you.
The staccato world I inhabit day after day, legato train of thought I face everything with; neither here nor there. I offer nothing, because nothing is fact and cats disprove their own existence by hiding in boxes when they should be better off living long dull uninteresting lives like they already are.
Everyone I've ever known - my family, not completely broken; not yet worth fixing, running steadily into the ground before the realisation that maintenance is a continuous variable - everyone I ever will know; friendship and enmity, together with that indispensable annoyance, acquaintance, more numerous than the rest.
Everything I've ever done wrong, because two wrongs make a right when you're not looking and because who cares about successes anyway when chatlogs and blog archives and photo stashes reveal so much more about people in 20/20 slowmo, though you can be sure my doublespeak has no lack of simple, infuriating positivity.
My belief in the ordinary; the nature of everything to surprise those with no expectations, to double in certainty of going wrong every 18 months, to invoke a stock response every time Nazis are used as a placebo - just like how no means yes and yes means maybe but only when understood and how phones are the first refuge of the socially adept.
My stubbornness, lack of self control, oft unchecked contempt, strong opinions and insecurity. My intellect, my appreciation of all things beautiful, my unproven worth, my unceasing determination; all qualities I vacillate over at some point or another in this masquerade I pass off as self.
Unequivocally, everything I have, even if such an all-inclusive word hides the fact that all I have is not much, I give to you - this small, sheltered world.
the rest is silence;
