creation.

trust issues
Thursday, September 1, 2011
at 10:05 PM;

I have no motivation to do anything.

I just want to curl up and let the world wither away. This empty house; it has nothing for me.

What family? I have never had a real family. And now, what's left of it is tearing itself apart.

I want to go somewhere I can be myself- somewhere I don't have to worry, somewhere I can love and be loved. I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm fed up with shiny cars and good food and TV with 500 channels and magazines and pointless gatherings and all that stuff.

I'm fed up with spirituality. I'm fed up of wasting time and effort and being self-conscious 24/7 just to make myself feel better for an instant- I'm fed up of emptiness. I'm fed up of pretending to be empty. I'm fed up of finding things to fill up my life.

I'm fed up of pretending I have worries to rant about. I'm sick of attention seeking.

I'm sick of all this angst.

Antonio got it right. In sooth I know not why I am so sad.

I want to stop dreaming. I want to stop dreaming about you, about family, about work, about school, about frisbee, about all this shit.

I want to stop worrying about people. I want to let them down- make them hurt, chase them away. Because I am not a nice person. I am not all I have pretended to be. I am conceited, I am proud, I am lazy, I am greedy, self serving, immoral, sadistic. I am my sweetest friend.

I live to hate, to jeer- life for the schadenfreude in every day life, to look upon despair and mock at it. I live to erode faith in the human race. I live to be cynical. I live to be a douche.

I live to pretend that I am all this, and more.

I cannot let go of my past. I am unable to trust people.

no matter where I go, I feel alone;

the rest is silence;